Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Recently I have found myself in a highly reflective state and taking each moment one at a time!

My reflections have been on the end stages of my pregnancies, which were both pretty traumatic and with our youngest a very raw and unsettling emotion if I reflect too deeply. You see my body saw pregnancy as an invasion by a foriegn body, literally. The entire pregnancies I was careful to take my vitamins, rest, and follow all of the rules, but still they were riddled with small complications.

With both pregnancies by 7-8 months I was physically exhausted from fighting my body to continue to remain in a pregnant state, emotionally ready for my babies to be in my arms, but knowing I had to resolve to keep the babies in as long as possible for their health...including medications, shots, etc. At these points in my pregnancy although I knew and fought to keep from an early delivery, I would have given about anything on my delivery days to have those boys out of my belly and into my arms.

Our first son was born 4 weeks early, he had a low tempature, but was healthy, however, I sustained significant damage from his birth. We were unsure we could have another child, then almost five years laters, I became with child, only to catch the flu and miscarry. We were hopeful, and just a couple months later I was pregnant with our second son, who was born six weeks early.

Our sweet boy was premature and unable to breathe on his own. I don't remember seeing him, although from pictures I know I did, until he was two days old and I could be discharged and travel to the hospital they had transferred him to. Thankfully, through the difficulty with the birth of our oldest, they decide to do a C-section, and it was an act of God, because our youngest had the cord twice around his neck and would have died in childbirth if I had tried to deliver him.

Our youngest spent almost two weeks in the NICU and as amazing the miracles are that we expereinced there, it is very hard for me to "go there". It is the most helpless I have ever felt in my life and the emotion of having my child on the brink of life and death for days is still overwhelming to consider.

Back to the present, the promptings for my reflection has been this gnawing need to have my baby girl home. It is really very hard to put into words how at times my heart physically aches. Friday was one of those days. I think I hit refresh on my email at least several hundred times via my phone...if we could just get a picture, just hear that our EP is approved...anything!!!!

I know that the Department of State indicated to wait 2-4 weeks to call and check. Last Wednesday I verified the name correction in their system, so did not feel justified in calling Friday on the 2 week mark. I thought at times I would literally have to sit on my hands to keep from dialing the number!

It is that end of pregnancy madness I experienced with both boys...in the form of end of adoption wait madness!

I know all things are in God's perfect timing. I know that if we receive a picture it will only make the wait more difficult. I know that calling and bugging them will only keep them from working on the paperwork! All of these things are very clear in my rational, logical state of mind. In my emotionally exhausted frame of reference I want to call anyone that can give me news, I want to know that Holt received our care package and gave it to our girl...I want my email to surprise me with EP approval...anything at this point would be so wonderful!

As I take each day lately moment by moment, I find myself looking for work to keep me busy, praying much more than usual, and when I become really tempted to email our case worker or call DC, then I will pick up my Bible to read. These coping mechanisms are wonderful, because I am getting my work ready for my leave and spending more time in the Word and in prayer! However, I must admit these crazy emotions, bordering on an obsession with my cell phone refresh could take a vacation and I would be oh so happy!

So tonight as I turn in for sleep I will dream of my boys and their sweet infant years, reliving the maternal desire I felt to see and hold them for the first time and dream of our girl and her sweet face and all the joys we have to come when we do have her in our arms forever! Tomorrow it will be back to reality and I am sure each moment will be progress toward Friday, when I have okay'd myself to call again and check status on our progress, until then I am sure I will be praying often, working hard, and seeking the words of resolve and comfort in the Scriptures.

Have a wonderful week and God bless each of you in a special way!


  1. Thanks for sharing things that must be so difficult to look back on. Your boys are miracles! I know you are so tired of waiting on Annalee to come home. I'm praying you hear something very soon. Thanks for the reminder to keep my eyes on God even while I'm waiting!

  2. My youngest, Jack, was born 4 weeks early and spent two weeks in the nicu, and could not breathe on his own, had cords and iv's everywhere, and was so tiny it was pitiful. I know how you feel. That was soooo hard to watch and feel so utterly helpless. I, too had two c-secs and hard pregnancies involving medication to get me to go to term. Our stories sound so similar.
    I am sorry the wait is so hard. I can only imagine how bad you want to hold your baby girl. I am feeling the same, and have not yet seen her sweet picture. Hang in there and I hope you get to hold her soon!